Do I Tell Mom She Has Alzheimer's? And How Do I Tell The Rest Of The Family?

This is a topic that's been debated for years... and the experts are no help. Some feel that people with Alzheimer's should be told, and some feel they shouldn't.

Perhaps the best way to decide is to think about your loved one's possible reactions. Will she take it in stride, or will she fall into a deep depression? Will knowing enable her to cope better, or will it make her give up?

It's probably best to assume that if you don't tell her, someone else might slip. And it might be devastating to hear it that way. Her doctor may be the best one to tell her, if there's a good relationship (with a family member present). Afterwards, it's a good idea to call a family meeting and tell everyone at once.

These days, family meetings - especially when legal or financial matters are involved - are not always love-fests. So you might want to hold meetings dealing with these issues without your loved one present; the last thing she needs now is more stress. Some families actually use a mediator in these sessions... so there's at least one rational, objective person at the table!

Allow your mom to grieve! And allow yourself to grieve. You may want to speak with her about early-stage Alzheimer's support groups, to give her a forum to express her feelings, and to hear other patients express theirs'. This will help you, as well - because you'll meet other people taking care of their own parents. And if this doesn't work, consider professional counseling.

A few quick tips: Family members should work as a team. Choose your battles. And allow yourself the luxury of an occasional laugh - you'll need it.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we practice Elder Law. And we have ways to help you get through (including one of the largest Alzheimer's resource libraries in South Florida).

Over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer's Journey, with professionalism, with compassion, and, when necessary, with a soft shoulder. And - even before a loved one gets Alzheimer's - we can make sure they're ready for whatever the future might bring, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We know the Alzheimer's Journey. And we're just a phone call away.

My Mother Has Alzheimer's. Am I At Risk?

Well, this answer may or may not provide comfort. Simply put... we just don't know yet.

However, while there's still no precise scientific link, some members of the scientific community believe that if you have a relative with Alzheimer's disease, you have a greater chance of developing it yourself. On the other hand, however, research suggests that having more than one relative with the disease doesn't mean that your family has a stronger genetic tendency toward it than if you had only one.

Confused yet?

The Alzheimer Society of Canada (www.Alzheimer.ca) has detailed information about genetic research on the disease.

One thing is certain, though...you can't prevent the disease by sitting around and worrying about it. (According to research, of course, stress may make you more vulnerable to disease.) You may never get Alzheimer's. And, if that's the case, you'd feel pretty badly, ten years from now, if you've actually shortened your life by worrying about getting it!

Your attention should be on your loved one who does have Alzheimer's! Many people find that keeping a journal can help them deal emotionally with the stressful role of caregiver (and, possibly, their own fears about getting the disease). Others join support groups, which is often helpful because it relieves you of the nobody-knows-what-I'm-going-through mentality. And still others seek out professional counseling.

Whatever you do, though...don't drown in worry about your own chances of getting the disease. Worrying will only affect your ability to care for the loved one who does have Alzheimer's. It will affect your ability to enjoy your remaining time with them. And it will affect your health, both physically and emotionally.

There are few more stressful jobs - if any - than caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's. But we can help.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we've been helping South Florida families care for loved one with Alzheimer's for the past 33 years. (By the way, we have one of the largest Alzheimer's/dementia resource libraries in South Florida.) And we've helped them prepare for the possibility of Alzheimer's, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset protection, and assistance with the VA or Medicaid.

We can walk you through the Alzheimer's Journey. And we're just a phone call away.

Why Am I Feeling Anger At My Father's Having Alzheimer's?

Grief is natural when a loved one's diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Grief for the person they used to be. And grief for life you used to have.

And one of the stages of grief is anger...anger at the situation, and even anger at your loved one for getting caught in the situation.

Researchers have identified ten different stages of grief. Each person goes through these stages at his/her own pace; and not everyone goes through all of them.

The ten stages of grief:

1. Shock - Disbelief that a loved one has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
2. Denial - It's not really happening. Dad will snap out of it, and be his old self again.
3. Depression - Overwhelming sadness, feelings of isolation.
4. Physical Distress - Symptoms of illness, or incapacitating fatigue.
5. Anxiety - Worrying about the future...from the next minute to the next decade.
6. Anger - Anger at the disease. Anger at the doctor. Anger at your loved one. And anger at God.
7. Guilt - "Why was I always yelling at Dad?"
8. Withdrawing from Friends, Normal Activities - How will they treat me? How will they treat Dad?
9. Dealing With Memories - Happy memories can actually help you heal.
10. Acceptance - Your Dad has the disease. There's nothing you can do about it. But there is something you can do to make the best of it.

One thing about grief - there are no short-cuts. And if you ignore your feelings now, they'll come back to bite you later.

You may have to deal with new stages of grief each time your Dad/Mom goes through new stages of Alzheimer's. Don't fight the feelings; let yourself experience them. Whatever you do, though, realize that your feelings are normal! And that you have to let yourself experience them before you can move on.

We can help.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we're Elder Law attorneys. Over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Dementia Journey, with professionalism, with compassion, and with a soft shoulder when necessary. And we've also provided these families with comprehensive estate plans, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care plans, asset protection plans, and assistance with the VA or Medicaid.

We'll be there for you, too. We're just a phone call away.

Does Every Alzheimer's Patient Wander?

Not necessarily. The symptoms are different for all dementia patients. But there's no way to know if your loved one will wander until he actually does it.

One of the best things you can do is to register your loved one - as soon as he/she is diagnosed! - in the Alzheimer's Association's "Safe Return" program. You can find information about this program at the website (alz.org), or at your local Alzheimer's Association. When you enroll your loved one, you'll choose a piece of jewelry for her to wear (most folks choose a bracelet), with the association's logo on one side and an identification number on the other.

It's wise to remember that your loved one may become suspicious at your request to wear this new piece of jewelry...which is why many caregivers also order one for themselves.

There are ways to guard against wandering, both high-tech and common sense. For example, you can visit electronics stores and see what might be appropriate. You can shop online at the Alzheimer's Store (alzstore.com), which has some good safety products. You can hire agencies to asses your home for dangers to seniors with dementia. And, of course, you can always visit Alzheimer's support groups, to learn what others in your situation might be doing.

If your loved one does begin to wander, take immediate action. Put a baby monitor in his room so you can hear when he gets up. Install recommended safety devices. Tell your neighbors to be on the lookout. And ask your physician if there's anything that can be done medically.

Also, get a copy of "The 36-Hour Day," by Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins. It's a good guide to what to expect on the Alzheimer's Journey.

The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates is an Elder Law firm. Over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer's Journey, with professionalism, with compassion, and, if needed, with a soft shoulder. And we've helped them prepare long before Alzheimer's - or any other problem with an aging loved one - hits, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset protection, and assistance with Medicaid or VA issues.

We can walk you through the Alzheimer's Journey. And we're just a phone call away.