I'm The Primary Caregiver. Help! I Need a Break!

Being a caregiver is a 24/7 job. And when you’re not actually doing the job, you’re probably thinking about it.

Some caregivers feel guilty about telling other family members they can’t do it alone. But they’re not being fair to themselves. They’re not taking care of their own physical health, or emotional health. No one – no one! – can do this job without an occasional break!

If you’re lucky enough to have family or friends willing to help, use them. But, even if you don’t, you can still get a break.

• PRIVATE DUTY HOME CARE - Ask your local Alzheimer’s Association or Area Agency on Aging. These agencies can provide people who can help with daily activities such as bathing, sitting, driving your loved one to her appointments, shopping, and meals.
• ADULT DAY SERVICES – You can bring your loved one to a center where he’ll be with others his age, in a supervised situation. But if your loved one has Alzheimer’s, be sure you find a center with experience caring for Alzheimer’s patients.
• OVERNIGHT CARE – Many assisted-living facilities and nursing homes offer short-term stays (generally based on availability).
• HIRE A CAREGIVER – Your church, Alzheimer’s Association, or Area Agency on Aging may be able to recommend an independent caregiver who’ll come to your home. Keep in mind, though, that “independent” means just that – so you must carefully check backgrounds, references, qualifications, etc. Have a long conversation – or two – with your prospective caregiver. Watch how she interacts with your loved one. And don’t be afraid to ask your loved one’s opinion – people with dementia are often surprisingly perceptive!

Don’t’ be afraid to ask us, either. At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia Resource Centers in South Florida.

In fact, over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey. And we’ve helped protect their rights – legal and financial – with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We can walk your family through the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey, too. We’re just a phone call away.

I'm The Only Family Member Doing Caregiving. How Do I Deal With That...And With Them?

If you think the Hatfields and McCoys went at it, you should see what happens in some families when a loved one is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or dementia. It can make that “other” feud seem like child’s play!

Additionally, it can give rise to tremendous resentment on the part of those who do the care-giving for those who don’t.

When this happens, there’s only one thing to do: Recognize that there’s absolutely nothing you can do. And – even harder – let it go!

You have enough to handle. Any additional family matters will only weigh you down even more. Sometimes, family members may be afraid to see their loved one in such a state…or they may be in denial. But that’s their problem. You can only do what’s necessary to take care of yourself.

Care-giving is the toughest job in the world. And it can get even the strongest person down. So your personal priority should be to seek help – from people who can give it to you, rather than those who can’t. Some people seek professional counseling. Others join support groups, where you’ll quickly learn that you’re hardly “the only person” who knows what you’re going through. And, if your family can’t be there for you, maybe a good friend can.

You may want to keep your family in the loop, about the condition, and how your loved one is doing. But don’t harbor false expectations. For the most part, nothing you do or say to your family is going to motivate them to help, if they’re not already motivated.

Even if they can’t help, though…we can!

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia Resource Centers in South Florida.

Over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s Journey, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA. And with another type of “protection,” as well – guidance for the caregiver.

We have the answers to your questions. And we’re just a phone call away.

How Can I Keep My Father Entertained During The Day?

If you’re a caregiver to someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia, you’re often expected to be master of ceremonies, ringmaster, and juggler all at the same time.

In fact, it’s a pretty common occurrence for the senior to follow the caregiver around all day…almost as if they’re expecting you to provide diversion. But you don’t have to be the only source of diversion.

Here are some ideas to keep him entertained…

• Play a fast-paced musical video.
• Encourage him to walk – either outside or around the house – as much as possible.
• He can pull some weeds outside, or bat around a balloon ball. Each would provide diversion, as well as physical activity. In addition, many companies that make products for seniors will have exercise videos with simple instructions.
• Encourage him to be helpful with any type of household activity he can handle. It’s important to keep him involved. For example, let him set the table while you prepare meals. It doesn't matter if he doesn't set it properly. It only matters that he helps!
• He may be able to clip coupons, shred documents, do minor clean-up jobs, get things from the kitchen or the laundry room for you, etc.
• Allow him to open the junk mail.
• Encourage him to help out with the care and feeding of the dog.
• You have friends? You have family? Let someone else help keep your Dad occupied for a while!
• Many Alzheimer’s patients enjoy being read to. (Your local library has book audiotapes.)

If you’re caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s or dementia, you probably have new questions every day. We can help answer them. For one thing, we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia Resource Centers in South Florida.

For another, at The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we've been answering South Florida families’ questions about Alzheimer’s or dementia for 33 years. We've worked with thousands of families, providing comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We can answer your questions, too. And we’re just a phone call away.

Leaving a "spiritual legacy"

October 18, 2012

By David A. Schwartz, Staff Writer (Sun-Sentinel)

11:07 a.m. EDT, October 18, 2012

 

Attorney Alice Reiter Feld thinks that leaving family members a "spiritual legacy" can be as important as leaving them money and possessions.

"Monetary gifts are not the only gifts we give to people," Feld said during a recent presentation at Temple Sinai in Delray Beach. A "spiritual legacy," she explained, involves life experience, values and what we want to leave behind.

"You may think your kids don't want that now but they will when you are gone," Feld said. "By talking about our spiritual journey we live forever."

Feld said she counsels clients in her Coral Springs-based elder law practice to leave their heirs "good thoughts, good deeds, no problems and good memories" and to give their families the estate planning tools to do that.

A living will, power of attorney and designation of a health care surrogate are part of an estate plan, she said. But a living will can express end-of-life wishes in language that goes beyond the language of the law. She advised to make it personal in language like, "You are performing a true act of devotion by taking me off life support."

Other things, like housing options — living at home or in a nursing home — and pre-need funeral arrangements can be part of a living will.

"These are things people don't do because that would mean recognizing their mortality and that is painful," Feld said.

Marcia London of Boca Raton said because of the estate plan that she and her husband developed with their attorney, when her husband died four-and-a-half years ago, "He left me with ease. I was able to transfer everything to my name."

London said she wants to give her son and grandchildren that same ease. "I want them to move gently into the next phase, just as I moved into the next phase of my life," she said.

Thelma Rosenblum, 87, of Delray Beach, said she and her husband Lester, 92, have been updating their will since the 1970s but she didn't realize that there were changes in the law regarding the power of attorney. "I'm so glad I sat in on this [presentation] because it is something that has to be done," she said. "I want everything to be done smoothly."

Copyright © 2012, South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Originally posted in: Alice Reiter Feld In The News

 

Can People With Alzheimer's Sometimes Seem Like Their Old Selves?

Simply put, yes! And, for the caregiver, it can be puzzling as heck!

One day, your loved one seems to be slipping away faster than ever. And the next, he's as lucid and as funny and as even-tempered as he was in the old days.

Just like you and I, people with Alzheimer's or dementia have good and bad days. On their good days, they'll be outgoing, lucid, and fully able to express their needs and their wants. They recognize people, and remember things they might have known the day before. When this happens, the caregiver may fall victim to a false sense of hope.

Unfortunately, though, the illusion doesn't last very long. Within days - or the next day - you're loved one is "out of it," snappy, angry, and withdrawn into her own little world. And the hope you had nurtured just a day or two before is smashed against the wall of reality.

When your loved one goes through changes like this, you'll probably find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster.

That's why it's important to savor the good days! They'll eventually become fewer and far between...which is why you should squeeze every second of joy possible from them.

Caregivers must endure a grieving process. When they see temporary moments of hope, they tend to fantasize that those temporary moments might become permanent. But fantasies, of course, don't last. However, the memories you can make in those rare times when your loved one is her old self can last forever. And they can help pull you through the bad days.

When you're a caregiver to someone with Alzheimer's or Dementia, your mind is bombarded - constantly - with questions. But we can help.

We've been  practicing Elder Law here in South Florida for 33 years. And we've got one of the largest Alzheimer's/Dementia resource centers in South Florida.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we've walked thousands of families through the Elder Law Journey, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care assistance, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We can walk you through the Elder Care Journey. And we're just a phone call away.

How Do I Communicate With a Loved One Who Has Alzheimers?

When you're caring for, or living with, an Alzheimer's patient, communication becomes a much different proposition. And how you do it can make or break the relationship.

Good communication can dramatically lower the incidence of behavior or temper flare-ups. And the opposite is true of ineffective communication. It's important to remember that your loved one is an individual... that the disease doesn't define him. He'll still have many of the same personality traits he had before. And he should be treated with the same respect.

Everyone needs to know their feelings are respected. This is especially of Alzheimer's patients, who may be insecure about memory loss. Keep in mind that their feelings may not be entirely accurate; for example, another relative may not really be doing anything to make him angry. But he is feeling angry, nonetheless. It's the nature of the illness. And oftentimes it's the illness talking, not your father.

Acknowledge his anger (or frustration, etc.), by saying you understand he's angry. And then move on.

You may be surprised to find that your Dad responds well to affirmation of his feelings. And that a "good job!" or "well done, Dad!" can go a long way!

Some tips:

• Speak slowly. And use simple sentences.
• Yes/no questions are best.
• Ask one question at a time.
• Maintain eye contact when speaking.
• Lower your voice. A loud or tense voice may be perceived as anger.
• Use the power of touch... a hand on a shoulder, etc.
• Smile!
• Use the power of hugs... liberally.
• Never argue.
• Be aware of his body language, which might indicate pain or discomfort. And be aware of yours, which might indicate tension!

Lastly, ask questions. Not of your Dad, but of an expert. At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we have one of the largest Alzheimer's Resource Centers in South Florida.

We've been walking South Florida families through the Alzheimer's Journey for 33 years. And we've helped thousands of them, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We know every step of the Alzheimer's Journey. And we're just a phone call away.

How Do I Find - And Hire - An In-Home Caregiver?

There won't be many occasions in your life when you're faced with a more difficult decision. But help is available.

If you're looking for non-medical assistance, your Area Agency on Aging; Department on Aging, Social and Rehabilitation Services; or Alzheimer's Association can be excellent resources. These agencies can provide you with non-medical personnel such as sitters, homemakers, or aides.

Skilled care, however, is a different ballgame. Your loved one's doctor should be involved in setting up these services, particularly if physical or occupational therapy or nursing is required.

Or, you can play it down the middle. Certified Nurse Aides can assist with dressing, bathing, meals, and medications, and many have worked with Alzheimer's patients. Make sure they're certified in CPR... and ask to see the certification.

You can also hire an individual on your own. Your Alzheimer's Association keeps a list of independent caregivers. They won't recommend specific people. But they can, however, provide you with feedback they've received.

You may also be able to get recommendations on individuals or agencies from local support groups.

If you're the "hiring manager," act like one. Use application forms (which can be purchased at any office supply store). Verify ID's. Do background checks. Get resumes. Get references. Make sure you keep copies of the documents of anyone you hire. And treat the relationship like an employer-employee relationship - because that's exactly what it is!

Interview a number of applicants... and be sure to include your loved one in the process. You should be able to tell if she's feeling uncomfortable, or if the interaction is not really clicking.

In some states, hiring an in-home caregiver can disqualify you from Medicaid. So, if you're not sure about what you're doing, consult an Elder Law attorney.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we're Elder Law attorneys. And, every day, we work with families looking for quality care for their loved ones.

Over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Elder Law Journey, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

You have questions. We have answers. And we're just a phone call away.

The Blessings of Being a Caregiver

Sounds crazy, doesn't it? Blessings... of being a caregiver?

Yet, believe it or not, there are certain blessings to this 24/7, emotionally-wrenching job. You just have to be open to them. And to recognize them when they occur.

But, first, you have to grieve. Because you can't accept what is until you've allowed yourself to grieve for your loved one. You can't come to the stage of acceptance until you pass the stage of grief.

When you come to the stage of acceptance, you'll allow yourself to open up to some of the small joys you couldn't see before.

The process of grieving, really, consists of a chain of emotions, each one flowing into the next...

Shock at the initial diagnosis, and disbelief.

Emotional Reaction - You'll yell, scream, lose your temper.

Anxiety crops up almost immediately, as you start to worry about the future.

Anger, at your loved one for getting sick. At the doctor. Even at God.

Guilt for feeling these emotions.

The beginning of healing often starts with reflecting upon better days.

Acceptance finally come when you're able to let go of the previous emotions.

Keep in mind, though, that acceptance doesn't mean the total end of grief; you'll still feel it at times. And that's OK. Eventually, you'll come back to acceptance.

Then, you can begin to enjoy being with your loved one again. When you can deal with the reality that you time together may be growing short, you treasure every minute of your time together, and you realize how precious it is.

When you're a caregiver to a loved one with Alzheimer's or Dementia, your life can seem like one series of questions after another. But we can help.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we're Elder Law attorneys. We have one of the largest Alzheimer's/Dementia resource centers in South Florida. And, over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Elder Care Journey, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We can walk your family through the Elder Care Journey, too. And we're just a phone call away.