My Mom Cooperates for her Nurse... But Not for Me. What's the Secret?

The nurse’s “secret” is really not much of a secret, at all – your Mom’s not related to her! Many Alzheimer’s/Dementia patients are more cooperative with non-family members.

Why? Apparently, our loved ones often feel they can be themselves – warts and all – in front of family. But, in front of outsiders, they often tend to be on their best behavior. (Not really so different from everybody else, when you think about it.)

I always tell my clients not to take it personally. Your mother isn’t doing it to hurt you – she has dementia. With many forms of dementia, the inhibitions that once held us back are thrown to the winds. And so, quite often, are courtesy and manners and respect for your own family.

The biggest task of any caregiver? Letting things go. If she needs to have her way – whether it’s eating, bathing, etc. – as long as it’s not harmful to her, let her have it! If she wants ice cream for her “healthy” snack, don’t argue.

When a potential confrontation looms, take a step back. Ask yourself if this confrontation is really necessary. You’re only going to win just so many battles…so choose them wisely.

Don’t keep score. You can always try again later…and you may be surprised at the result.

When you’re a caregiver to someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia, it often seems as if the slightest little request or activity can turn into a major deal.

We can help. At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we specialize in guiding families through the Dementia Journey. And we’ve got one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia resource centers in South Florida.

Over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for it, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We know every step of the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey – and we can walk you through it. And we’re only a phone call away.  

My Dad is Verbally Abusive To My Mom. What Can I Do?

Unfortunately, with Alzheimer’s, verbal abuse sometimes comes with the territory.

When the caregiver is subjected to verbal abuse, it can sometimes become intolerable. And that’s when your Mom has to learn to calm herself down by repeating: “It isn’t personal.” Easier said than done. But, for her own sanity, she has to try.

You both may have to mourn the change in his personality…and, eventually, come to some sort of acceptance.

As with many other areas of the Alzheimer’s Journey, though, there are things you can do. (Yelling at him is not one of them! That will most likely only make him more agitated.)

Give your mother a break. Hire someone to come in and care for your Dad (he may act differently with someone who’s not a family member). Take him to an adult day care center. Or ask other family members to pitch in. You may also want to speak with his doctor. Often, Alzheimer’s patients are abusive because they’re suffering from depression…or pain.

Humor never hurts, either. You can’t control his actions. But you can control your response.

Validate his feelings. Ask him to do things in a non-threatening manner. (If he resists, back off and give him time to calm down.) Also, don’t talk down to him. Even Alzheimer’s patients realize when they’re being patronized. And that can make them even more agitated – and abusive.

Lastly, discuss the possibility of a support group for your Mom. Meeting others in the same situation will help her learn new coping methods. And dealing with her own feelings may help her to deal with his.

The Alzheimer’s Journey is long and hard. But we can help. At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we practice Elder Law. And we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia resource centers in South Florida.

Over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for the possibility, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term-care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We know the way. And we’re just a phone call away.   

Is Routine Important To a Person With Alzheimer's?

For a senior with Alzheimer’s, life can be confusing and scary enough. And anything new is often perceived as a threat. So…yes, routine is very important!

People with Alzheimer’s are slowly slipping away…from themselves as well as from us. To them, routine is familiar and reassuring.

If you’re a caregiver, developing a routine will help you manage.

In addition to routine, there’s another “R” that’s important – “Ritual.” If your loved one is accustomed to checking the doors before he goes to bed, let him…even if you’ve already done so. If he likes a glass of milk, it’s OK. If he says he can’t sleep, encourage him to get up and do the rituals again. It will be comforting to him. And easier for you.

There are lots of daily activities you can make into a routine, such as eating at certain times, taking medicine, checking the mail, bathing, running errands, taking a walk, walking the dog, Doing laundry. Reading the paper. Or watching her favorite TV show. Even little things – like drinking water every hour – can be made into a routine (and, in this case, it’s healthy!). And don’t forget to make relaxation time a part of the routine – for both of you.

However, there’s a third “R” you should definitely avoid – “Rigidity.” For example, if your loved one isn’t enjoying one activity, move on to another – even if it isn’t “time” for that activity. Learn to go with the flow.

If you’re caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s, we know there are always questions running through your mind. We can help answer them.

At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s Resource Centers in South Florida. Over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for it, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We can walk you through the Alzheimer’s Journey. And we’re just a phone call away.  

Can Pets Have a Calming Effect On An Alzheimer's Patient?

If nursing homes are any indication, the answer is yes. Many of these facilities have brought pets into their programs. Dogs that have been trained as therapy dogs can be very effective. And they’re usually taught to sit quietly next to someone, so the senior can pet them easily.

Every Alzheimer’s patient, however, is different, and what works for one may not work for another. Some people with Alzheimer’s, for example, can be scared by pets…even small ones. But if your loved one had pets in his life, it might be worth a try.

Some caregivers buy pets for the sole purpose of giving their loved ones an outlet they can enjoy. They can feed and water the pet, brush or bathe it, and, if able, take the pet for walks. This kind of activity is actually doubly-therapeutic…because it gives your loved one a sense of responsibility, and of feeling needed. And all of us want to feel needed.

If you already have a pet, and bring your loved one to live with you, your pet will quickly realize things are different. And they often become very protective of the Alzheimer’s patient, and stay close to him.

It doesn’t have to be a dog, however.

Fish can be almost mesmerizing, and really fun for your loved one to watch. Cats can be fun to play with or to cuddle with. Even indoor birds might give your loved one something enjoyable on which to focus. People with Alzheimer’s often enjoy sitting outside and watching the birds. And asking them to fill the bird-feeders is also an activity they’ll find satisfying.

If you’re a caregiver to someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s, you have questions like this every day. And we can help answer them.

At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we’ve been answering questions like this for 33 years. We’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Dementia Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for it, as well…with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We’ll walk you through the Dementia Journey. We’re just a phone call away.

Can Keeping a Journal Help Me Deal With My Feelings About My Dad's Dementia?

The answer to this question is simple: Yes!!

I’ve had people tell me, “At this time in my life, I just can’t afford the time to journal.” And my answer is often, “At this time in your life, you can’t afford not to journal!”

Keeping a journal can be therapeutic for a caregiver. It’s intensely personal. It’s not meant for anyone else to see. But – time and time again – I hear from those who’ve tried it that it helps them express their feelings, and serves as a relief valve for some of the built-up stress.

Journaling isn’t a drain on your time. Quite the contrary. While you’re doing it, it often slows down time, allowing you to put things into perspective. It doesn’t have to be done every day. But it should be done at least several times a week. And it doesn’t have to be done for an hour a day. Even 15-20 minutes will be helpful.

It enables you to deal with the guilt, anger, fear, frustration, resentment, and any other emotion. There are no bad emotions during this time. But there are emotions that can hurt you if you don’t deal with them.

There are no rules. Some people write to themselves. Others write to the disease…for example, saying how much it’s destroyed their plans and dreams, etc. Journaling helps to straighten out jumbled thoughts, and make things clearer.

Journaling should be only one part of your “program,” however. Talk to your friends and family. And consider joining a support group. This will help address your feelings of isolation - because, in that room, everyone knows what you’re going through.

This may be the hardest period of your life. But we can help.

At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we’re Elder Law attorneys. Over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Dementia Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for the possibility of it, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We can show you the way. And we’re just a phone call away.

My Husband Has Alzheimer's. What Activities Can We Do Together At Home?

It can be a challenge to enjoy activities together with an Alzheimer’s patient. But it’s a challenge that can be overcome…if you use your imagination.

Here are some things you can enjoy together…

• WORD GAMES – A quick ramble through your neighborhood bookstore will reveal loads of books with word games. And you can also create your own - such as taking a word and seeing how many other words you can make from it.
• VIDEOS – We’re not talking about movies here, but videos specifically designed for Alzheimer’s patients. Innovative Caregiving Resources has a set called Video Respite (www.videorespite.com). And these videos do just that – give you a respite.
• WRITE HIS LIFE STORY – This can be a shared activity that may stimulate some happy memories. Organize the information, and put it into a book your husband can carry around.
• MUSIC SOOTHES THE SOUL – Music seems to help memory. You can dance to it. Or just relax to it.
• RELA-A-A-A-A-A-X – Create a daily relaxation routine. At the same time each day, play calming music, burn candles or incense, or plug in a diffuser. (Use scents your husband likes!!) Gently massage some lotion into his hands and arms.
• EXERCISE – Get outside for some fresh air. Or stay inside and use an exercise video. Play old favorites like horseshoes, or putt on a portable green.
• GAMES – Play cards, board games, or checkers. And don’t keep score!
• READ TOGETHER – It doesn’t matter what you read, as long as it’s light and enjoyable.

We can help – because we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia Resource Centers in South Florida.

At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we practice Elder Law – and only Elder Law. Over the past 33 years, we’ve helped thousands of families on the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for the possibility, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We know the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey. And we’re only a phone call away.  

How Can I Be Sure The Person Who's Watching My Mother Doesn't Upset Her Routine?

This process starts before you even hire the person.

Once you're down to the last few candidates, bring them into your mother's home, and watch the interaction. You can teach someone about her daily necessities and routine. But you can't teach chemistry. It's either there or it's not.

Watch your mother's body language and facial expressions. And don't forget to speak with her afterward. Even advanced Alzheimer's patients can tell you - verbally or otherwise - how they feel about someone.

Once you've made your decision, explain to your mother that you're bringing someone in to spend time with her, and to help with daily chores. Bring the person in before she actually starts work, so they can get to know each other. Make sure you tell her about your mother's preferences, likes and dislikes, quirks, and how to react in certain situations with your mother. And make sure she understands that you want to be informed!

The first visit should not be the whole day. It's better to start with just a few hours, so your mother's world isn't turned upside-down in one day.

After the employment starts, encourage your mother to express her feelings about the person and their relationship. Her response may not be verbal but - especially if she isn't comfortable - you'll be able to tell. And you'll be able to tell if you need to consider finding someone else.

If you're a caregiver to a loved one with Alzheimer's or Dementia, your life may seem like one unanswerable question after another. But don't despair. We can help.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we practice Elder Law - and only Elder Law. And we have one of the largest Alzheimer's/Dementia Resource Centers in South Florida.

For the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer's/Dementia Journey... with professionalism and with compassion. And we've helped them prepare in advance for the possibility of it, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We know every step of the Alzheimer's/Dementia Journey. And we're just a phone call away.

I Lost My Temper With My Mother Today. How Can I Deal With My Anger?

You're seeing the person you've loved and known your whole life slowly slip away. And if that doesn't make someone - anyone! - want to scream, I don't know what does.

You're grieving, for the loss of the person you knew. And one of the stages of grief is anger.

You will lose your temper occasionally. But you have to forgive yourself. Guilt is a destructive emotion, and it will only cause you more frustration. It's OK to feel sad after you've yelled. But no guilty. Now more than ever, you need to give yourself a break.

And speaking of breaks... it's also OK to give yourself an occasional break from your mother. You can take her to an adult day care center. You can hire someone to watch her, giving you the chance to get out. You probably have more resources than you realize, once you include family, friends, neighbors, church groups, etc.

In addition, make sure to take care of your own needs! Join a support group. Seek professional counseling. Either can help you address your guilt about losing your temper.

When it comes to guilt, few occasions give rise to it as much as putting your mother in a nursing home, group home, or assisted living facility. But if you can't get your anger under control, that may be best for both of you.

If you do have to go that route, though - DON'T FEEL GUILTY! You can still be involved in her care. You can still see her as much as you want. And when you do, your time together may be much more rewarding... and much less stressful.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we know the Dementia Journey - because we're Elder Law attorneys. And we have one of the largest Alzheimer's/Dementia Resource Centers in South Florida.

Over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Dementia Journey. And we've prepared them for that journey, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We know the way. And we're just a phone call away.

How Do I Know What Training a Caregiver Needs to Care for My Mom?

If you can answer this question without losing any sleep... please give your secret to the rest of us!

No one who's ever handed the care of a loved one to a stranger has been without doubts as to whether they've picked the right person. But we can give you a few tips to make the choice easier.

The first question you need to ask yourself is simple: What level of care does my Mom require? You may be able to arrive at the answer with the help of a home health/private duty agency.

If it's just a matter of getting you some assistance with daily chores, a housekeeper would work. If your mother is still somewhat independent, but you don't want to leave her alone, a sitter would be the right choice. (Note: It should be a sitter with experience in dementia.) If your mother needs assistance with simple personal tasks - such as dressing, bathing, and going to the bathroom - it's time for a certified nurse aid. And once she's in the stage where she need medical services, your logical choice would be a nurse.

A home care agency will do all the dirty work - background checks, hiring, training, payroll, benefits, and, if necessary, dismissal. There's a fee, of course. But it's money well-spent. And it will relieve you of the burden of trying to find help yourself.

Then there's the option of an adult day care center... which would free you during the daytime.

When making these decisions, go with your gut. If it doesn't feel right... don't do it!

You'll feel a tremendous responsibility - and burden - when making these decisions. But we can help.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we're Elder Law attorneys... and we help people make these decisions every day. In fact, over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Dementia Journey. And we've helped them prepare for it, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We know every step of the Dementia Journey. And we're just a phone call away.