Mom's Ongoing Spiritual Journey - Part 2

Rose was not angry, impatient, or irate. She was grateful. Her family came to visit from a distance more than once. Each time she would rally for a period of time to see them, kiss them, smile, tell them all “to sit down” and tell them how good they looked and how happy she was to see them. She never spoke about what was happening to her. She knew. So why talk about it?

She wanted to know how we were. How was Danny doing in Law School? How was Jennifer’s career going? How was Riley, her great-grandson? Her focus was always outward. Her spirit was filled with faith, and complete acceptance of the fact that she was in God’s hands. And for Rose, that was a good place to be.

Those closest to Rose, her husband and children, had their own intimate view and perception of her as a wife, mother, woman, grandmother, and aunt. What they could not fathom was how deeply her spirit and soul had touched the lives of so many people.

At her funeral, we heard from some of these people. And as we listened, we realized that this woman whom we had all seen as a simple, kind person, had in fact had a dramatic impact on the lives of others.

Rose had a quiet spirit with a big wallop. She left indelible imprints etched in the lives, souls, and spirits of others.

How deep were these imprints? Well, listen to some of the words said by various family members at the funeral…

• “She had a pure soul and a generous spirit. The way she made me feel as a child, the way she showered all of us with love, the way she was everybody’s aunt, no matter how large the family became, her pleasant demeanor and her reassuring smile are gifts she left, for all of us to hold onto. I hope that each of us, in our way, can try to live up to her legacy.”

•  “My fondest teenage memories involve my loneliness in Florida and how she insisted I stay with them on Bachelder Street. It was a small apartment…but it felt like a mansion because of her love and warmth.”

•  “I have learned a lot from my Aunt Rose, who had a great sense of humor and such a truly kind and sensitive love of life.”

• “She had the most musical laugh.”

When we stop and consider the spiritual nature of this journey for those making it, we’d do well to watch their acceptance of themselves during those declining days, and to look to the people who knew them the longest and loved them the most. We look to them because that’s where we find the consistency of who the person was - and will always be - for us.

As a Rabbi who is blessed with the opportunity to meet families with their own Roses, I leave you with the following notion to consider:

Funerals, really, are for the survivors. The person we are mourning has left us physically. But they’ll be “dead” only if there’s no one to remember them. Rose Meister will remain alive for generations to come…because her “spirit” and “spirituality” will live within each of us for the balance of our days.

Rabbi Mitch Feld, MSW, is the spiritual leader of Congregation Yom Chadash. Rabbi Mitch is available for speaking engagements, spiritual counseling and memorable life cycle events. You may find him at www.rabbimitch.com, mitch@rabbimitch.com or 954-755-3764. You will be glad you did.

Mom's Ongoing Spiritual Journey - Part 1

We are all born with a soul, and with a spirit. And I have learned, over time that we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but, rather, spiritual beings having a human experience.

Rose Meister, my Mother-in-Law, had the ultimate spiritual and human experience, when she transitioned from this world to the next world that she now comprehends and we still cannot. To many of us, even the idea of another world is unfathomable. To others, it’s exactly the place to which they want to go when the time comes.

What is it that makes Rose’s - or anyone’s - journey so spiritual? That’s a good question - and there are no easy answers. My experience as a Rabbi is that people with strong and abiding faith - in whatever it is they believe - do not fear this transition.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’ve yet to meet someone in good health that prays to leave and make this journey immediately. I am referring to those of advanced age who have an inkling that they are changing; becoming less alert, less mobile, sleeping more, losing interest, less focused, questioning their purpose, more forgetful, or losing their appetite. These are people who are not sick, and are generally in stable health. They fall into the category of older people who are now classified by a relatively new term: “Failure to thrive.”

This was Rose. There was no dramatic shift in her capacity, but rather, a slow erosion of the person we had known and loved for so long. She was now 90, and her caring and kindness toward others was intact. Her memory, attention span, mobility, interest, and focus, however, were all declining.

By now, you’re probably asking yourself – again – “What’s so spiritual about this?”

In Rose’s case, her spirituality was reflected in her attitude of acceptance of where she was and how she was…and her lack of needing to know answers to all the questions her husband, children and family had. Rose was okay without knowing. There was a part of her, of course, that knew without knowing, without being told, and without telling us that she knew. Rose lived in her faith and spirit. She didn’t need to ask questions to which she already knew the answers.

Next Time: Part 2

Rabbi Mitch Feld, MSW, is the spiritual leader of Congregation Yom Chadash. Rabbi Mitch is available for speaking engagements, spiritual counseling and memorable life cycle events. You may find him at www.rabbimitch.com, mitch@rabbimitch.com or 954-755-3764. You will be glad you did.

My Dad's In a Nursing Home...And Constantly Losing His Glasses, Wallet, And Dentures. What Can We Do?

Well, the first thing I tell clients in this situation is to remember why he’s there in the first place – he may have memory problems.

Then, I advise them to speak with the director of his unit, and find out why this keeps happening. Then you have to determine whether the item is worth replacing. Obviously, glasses and dentures need to be replaced. But other items may not need to be.

Wallets, for example, may be more of a comfort/reassurance item to him than anything else. And, if that’s the case, you don’t have to replace each one with a fancy wallet; an inexpensive one may do. In fact, it may pay to keep a few on hand.

Replacing lost or broken items can be expensive. But there are still ways you can save. For example, you can compromise on the frame of his glasses. Or, if he just uses them for reading, perhaps an inexpensive pair of reading glasses – available at any drug store – would suffice.

Even with dentures – which are obviously a necessity – it may be possible to save some money. If they’re broken, consider fixing them rather than replacing them. And if they’re lost, chances are, they’ll be lost again. It’s conceivable that they just don’t fit right…and your loved one may be removing them. If that’s the case, a dentist may suggest alternative measures…including re-fitting the dentures to; make them more comfortable.

If your loved one’s in a nursing home, you probably have a million questions – every day. But we can help.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we practice Elder Law – and only elder Law. Over the past 33 years, we’ve answered these questions for thousands of South Florida families. And we’ve helped them prepare…with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney,long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

If you’ve got questions, we’ve got answers. And we’re just a phone call away.

My Mother's Medication is Having Negative Effects. How Can I Get The Nursing Home to Adjust It?

Negative reactions to medicines are common among my clients’ loved ones. And I always tell them to start by documenting what they’re seeing. How do these negative effects manifest themselves? How often? Under what conditions?

Then make an appointment with the Director of Nursing at the home to talk it over. If you’re not satisfied with your conversation, ask to see the Administrator. And you should also attend the next care planning meeting for your mother. (Also, I advise my clients to call the doctor who prescribed the medicine, to make sure your mother’s not simply experiencing the common side-effects of starting a new medication.)

If you’re still feeling frustrated, you can contact the long-term care ombudsman in your state. These are trained volunteers who advocate for nursing home residents and their families. They can hopefully work out a solution with the nursing home.

As a last resort – and if you are your mother’s power of attorney for health care – you can ask the doctor to change the medication. (Keep in mind, though, that he/she may respond that it’s best not to change it.)

If you’re still not satisfied, you may consider moving her to another home. However, this is a step that should not be taken lightly! Moving can be very hard on people with Alzheimer’s or dementia.

If you have a loved one in a nursing home, questions will pop into your mind a hundred times a day. It can seem overwhelming. But we can help.

At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we’re Elder Law attorneys. And we’ve been answering these questions for South Florida families for 33 years. We've helped thousands of them…with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We have the answers to your questions. And we’re just a phone call away.

The Nursing Home May Evict My Father, Because of Aggression. What Do I Do?

Occasionally I get a frantic call from a client in this situation.

The first thing I tell them is that aggression is usually caused by agitation. And if you can control the agitation, you can control the aggression.

I believe it’s helpful to meet with the Director of Nursing and her team to discuss the situation. If you’re not satisfied with the results, you can contact the long-term care ombudsman program in your state. These are trained volunteers who advocate for nursing home residents, and help in working out solutions.

If you’re confident that staff have done all they can, your loved one should be assessed. Go to the Alzheimer’s Association (www.alzs.org) to find a nearby program. What is an assessment? It’s a 24/7 observation…which could possibly result in changes to your loved one’s medication. (It’s possible that the medication could be causing the aggression.)

If a patient’s aggressiveness is not caused by medication, it may be caused by a lack of chemistry between patient and staff.

During the assessment, you can meet with social workers at the facility to see where else your loved one might be placed. It’s possible that a simple change in environment may be beneficial…although it may result in confusion initially.

If my clients are looking for a new home for their loved one, I encourage them to consider one with an Alzheimer’s unit, which is specially built and staffed with this population in mind. Staff at such a facility will be trained to deal with aggressive or agitated patients.

If your loved one has dementia or Alzheimer’s, you’ll have a hundred new questions every day. We can help.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we’re Elder Law attorneys…and we’ve spent the past 33 years answering these questions. We’ve helped thousands of South Florida families, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care plans, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

If you’ve got questions, we’ve got answers. And we’re just a phone call away. 

Are Group Homes With Four or Five People Appropriate for Alzheimer's Patients?

First of all, it’s important to define exactly what we mean by “group homes.” Some states call them “boarding care homes,” instead. Some states require licenses. So, to start your search, call your state’s licensing department and ask if licensure is required; and, if so, get a list of the homes in your area.

If it were one of my parents, I’d consider only those homes experienced with dementia patients. These facilities will have very specific safety measures, and staffs with special training in working with this population.

Also, when making this decision, consider whether your loved one can stay in the home the rest of her life. For example, if she runs out of money, will the home accept Medicaid? (And will she be eligible for it?) What if she eventually needs a wheelchair, or becomes bedridden, or incontinent. Will she be able to remain there?

In my opinion, smaller homes (with just four or five residents) are best for dementia patients. They’re more “homey.” There’s more contact between the staff and residents. And staff are generally more versatile, as they often have to do a wider variety of jobs.

I believe that residents of smaller homes are often happier. The smaller homes often make it a point to involve residents in daily activities such as cooking and cleaning, folding laundry, helping with the trash, watering plants, and setting the table. Activities such as these allow your loved one to feel a sense of responsibility, and self-worth. And they allow her, as well, to develop a sense of community with the other residents.

When you’re dealing with Alzheimer’s, it’s inevitable that more and more questions will come up in your mind. But we can help. At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s Resource Centers in South Florida.

We’re Elder Law attorneys. And over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s Journey…with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We know every step of the Alzheimer’s Journey. And we’re just a phone call away.

How Can I Help My Mom Stay at Home - And Manage Her Medications - As Long As Possible?

As an Elder Law attorney, I get asked this question a lot. And I always try to answer it with compassion, concern, and candor. (And, since my own Mom passed away recently, it’s a question that touches me personally, as well.)

I tell people, first of all, that there’s no single right answer; every patient is different, and every situation is different. The bottom line, as far as medication is concerned, is that she needs to take it…on time and in the right dosage!

If she’s capable of taking her medicine, but just needs reminders, there are a number of “medication minders” at drugstores, medical supply stores, and discount stores. For example, weekly minders might work…but someone has to fill them out at the beginning of each week. And it’s important to remember that that there needs to be reminder for your Mom about what time to take her medicine, as well.

There are also medicine-reminders with alarms that go off. Some families rely on a family member to call the patient each time she needs to take her medicine. Modern life being as frantic as it is, though, this may not be the optimal method; and it may place an unfair burden on the person responsible for calling.

If your Mom goes to an adult day care center, make sure the staff knows to remind her. Just be sure you’ve provided them with the original prescription bottle with the original label.

If none of these systems works, you need to hire someone who can go to the house and administer her medicine. And if that becomes too unwieldy, you may have to face the fact that your Mom might be better off in a nursing home or assisted living facility.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we get asked questions like this every day. And, over the past 33 years, we’ve helped thousands of South Florida families prepare for the Elder Law Journey…with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We know every step of the Elder Law Journey. And we’re just a phone call away.

 

How Beneficial is a Dementia Care Unit for Someone with Alzheimer's?

As an Elder Law attorney, I get asked this question a lot. And I tell my clients that it can be very beneficial…if the unit is designed and staffed appropriately.

The goal of such a unit, of course, is to provide specialized care. Personnel should have specialized training for dementia. The unit itself should have smaller spaces, so patients don’t feel overwhelmed. It should be a quieter environment, to prevent over-stimulation. It should be locked securely, as many Alzheimer’s patients move around or pace.

I tell my clients to pay attention to the design of the unit at which they’re looking. Good dementia units are designed to provide more specialized care and less stimulation. In fact, many no longer have intercoms or p.a. systems.

A dementia unit should also have its own Activities Director, who designs specialized programs. Staff are often trained in how to help the seniors participate and enjoy themselves more.

Your state’s Department on Aging might provide you with a list of facilities in your area, or else point you toward the proper agency.

Another thing I tell my clients: Visit at least three facilities! Take a friend who can be objective. Then…

• Meet the staff – and observe their interaction with the patients.
• Is the facility clean? Are the grounds well-tended? (And secure??)
• Ask to see their most recent state survey.
• If the survey indicates deficiencies, what were they?
• Were they addressed? How?

 After speaking with the friend who accompanied you, make a list of pros and cons. AND LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!!

If you have a loved one with dementia, you’ll be asking yourself new questions every day. At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we've been answering these questions every day – for 33 years.

We’re Elder Law attorneys. And we've helped thousands of South Florida families with these questions…along with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

If you've got questions, we've got answers. And we’re only a phone call away.

Hurricane Sandy, And The Sin of Denial

Whew! Fall has arrived! And we’ve made it through another hurricane season without a storm, right?

Well…not me! I just got back from a week in New York City – and Hurricane Sandy!

No, I am not a hurricane chaser. Just bad timing!

It was strange for a Floridian. Down here, we’ve learned through experience. But, despite the destruction wrought by last year’s Hurricane Irene, the Northeast was totally unprepared. I mean totally unprepared! Forget generators...they didn’t even have flashlights! They didn’t even go to the gas station before the storm hit. They had no idea what they were in for.

Even the least-prepared Floridians have the basics down. But the ignorance and self-deception up North – despite nearly a week of warning - was baffling. And very scary.

Many folks up there acted as if it would just be rainy and windy. And this was a denial of “hurricane” proportions.

As an Elder Law attorney, I see denial every day. Not about hurricanes, but about illness and incapacity, death and dying. I’ve watched clients approach the long-term care journey with the same denial New Yorkers had about the storm.

And I know how easy it is to be in denial. Nobody wants to think about getting sick in their later years. But many of us, eventually, will. Would you rather face that possibility with the security of having planned for it? Or would you rather just bet – everything! – that you won’t need to plan?

Nobody wants to think about dying, either. But we’re all going to do it! Some of us will be prepared for that eventuality, with asset-protection and long-term care plans. Others of us – who haven’t planned properly – may have to choose between their quality of life and their heirs. And those who haven’t planned at all may come to the end of their days having lost every cent.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we practice Elder Law. For the past 33 years, we’ve worked with thousands of South Florida families to prepare them for the inevitable changes (and end-result) of the aging process…with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

Death is inevitable. And illness is likely. You can’t deny it. But you can prepare for it.

We’re just a phone call away.

'Spiritual' Estate Planning Passes on Values of Departed

By Donna Gehrke-White, Sun Sentinel

8:36 a.m. EST, November 11, 2012

 



 

"Spiritual" estate planning — deciding how to pass down money based on values — is becoming a hot topic for baby boomers who want to make sure their values are passed along with their money, South Florida financial planners say.

Bequests to charities are up 19 percent in a year, according to Charity Navigator, a nonprofit that monitors charities. But it goes beyond leaving money to a favorite group, said South Florida attorney Alice Reiter Feld.

"It's leaving money with a purpose," she said.

That extends into deciding how to give — or not — money to family members, said Feld who will talk at a free seminar about spiritual giving next Monday, Nov. 19, at the Adolph & Rose Levis Jewish Community Center, 9801 Donna Klein Blvd. in Boca Raton.

Many South Floridians drawing up an estate plan first have to decide who their kin includes in this age of blended families and second or third marriages, Feld said.

"With all the kinds of families these days, there's no simple answer," Feld said.

Other thorny questions from today's complicated relationships: Should couples in a relationship, for example, make sure their children from a previous marriage get their own bequests — separate from the new spouse?

Yes, Feld recommends.

A surviving step-parent may give the couple's possessions to his or her children. Step-children can then get passed over – unless estate planning leaves them a specific amount, Feld said.

In setting up a will, parents also need to consider: "Have you passed on your financial values to kids?" Feld said she asks clients. "Sometimes, I have to send them home to think about it."

Some retirees who believe in frugality, may decide to leave money in a trust to guarantee that free-spending kids — or their spouses — won't squander it all, she said.

Putting money in a trust for surviving relatives can protect it from any creditors or even an ex-spouse, attorney Feld added.

"It's more control beyond the grave," added Mari Adam, Boca Raton financial planner, who has seen more clients wanting to have a say how their kin spends their inheritance.

A growing number of South Florida parents also are deciding not to give equal amounts to their surviving children, financial planners say.

Rather, some feel morally responsible in caring for less well-off children, said Ben Tobias, a Plantation financial planner.

If one of their children is wealthy, for example, some parents may decide they need to give more of an inheritance to an adult son or daughter who is less well off or who or has a special needs child, Tobias said.

"For whatever reason, they are opposed to doing it equally," Tobias said.

Feld has seen the same trend, although she personally feels that children should be treated equally.

If mothers or fathers are going to leave more money to one child, then they need to communicate that before they pass away, she said.

Tobias agreed. It's a matter of keeping peace in the family, he said.

Parents especially "should sit down with a child who is going to be given less and explain the reasons," Tobias recommended.

"Otherwise real problems may develop," he said. "I've seen deep resentment develop."

dgehrke@tribune.com or Twitter @donnagehrke

Copyright © 2012, South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Originally posted in: Alice Reiter Feld in The News

Alice's Mom and Dad, Part 6: What I'd Do The Same

Anyone who’s lost a parent knows that the aftermath is often filled with uncertainty about whether you handled the situation “correctly” – if there is such a word in that situation. Often, we wonder if we could have handled certain situations differently…or if we’d handle them the same way all over again.

In my last blog, you’ll recall, I talked about what I’d do differently, now that my Mom has passed away (two months ago) and my Dad is on hospice with terminal cancer. Today, after giving it some thought (a lot of thought!), I’d like to talk about what I’d do the exact same way all over again.

One thing I did right was the way I handled the finances and prepared for the long term care needs for my parents. It was a bit of a tricky game – I had to try and time who would die first. I wanted to put money in my mother’s name, and I wanted to move assets appropriately, which I was able to do. As an Elder Law attorney, I know planning opportunities and strategies. And I know about long-term planning and crisis planning.

I did my planning in advance. People have said about my Dad, “I never thought he’d live this long.” But we’re all living longer these days. Today, the life expectancy for a woman of 88 is actually another five years. We can’t assume that we’re going to die at eighty anymore!

So I secured the services of a Geriatric Care Manager who lived near my parents. These days, we’re all overwhelmed. And – talk about overwhelmed – just take a look at the over-worked, under-staffed, under-paid, and over-regulated nurses at your nearest hospital. If you could see their working conditions first-hand, you’d understand the need for a Care manager - and a patient advocate.

I tell my clients that you can’t go into the Medicaid or Medicare systems without an advocate …or you’ll come out very bloody.

You also need a Healthcare Surrogate, who can make decisions for you if you can’t. (And we’re not necessarily talking about being on your death-bed, here; it could be an accident, etc.)

Those of you who know me, know that I’m not very big on clichés. But there’s one I’d like to use here…because nothing says it better.

Those who fail to plan…are planning to fail.

Alice's Mom and Dad, Part 5: What I'd Do Differently

As you know by now, my Mom died on September 3. And my Dad’s now in hospice. So I’m about to experience a double shot to the caregiver’s gut.

It’s been a learning experience, to say the least. I’ve learned what I’d do the same, if I had it to do all over again. And I’ve learned what I’d do differently.

First of all, I had no idea my parents would live so long…my Mom was 90, and my Dad’s 91!

But they had bought only three years’ worth of long-term care. Had I known then what I know now, I would have told them they needed more…a lot more!

For their generation, my parents lived a long time. And for the current generations of younger seniors and Baby Boomers, the lessons are right there in front of their noses. PEOPLE ARE LIVING LONGER THAN EVER. OFTEN, THEY’RE LIVING WITH INCAPACITATING CONDITIONS. SO YOU’D BETTER HAVE ENOUGH LONG-TERM CARE PROTECTION!

I’ve learned that, if you can afford the monthly payments for lifetime protection…get it! Because you can’t put a time limit on illness. And you can’t put a time limit on the aging process.

I’ve learned that I should have gotten my parents policies with inflation riders, because long-term care doesn’t cost the same in 2012 that it did in 2000. And it sure as heck won’t cost the same in 2020 as it does in 2012.

In addition, I’d tell my fellow Boomers that it’s better to be a little early than a little late; once you’ve been diagnosed with an illness, it’s too late to get a long-term care policy! ( I’d also tell boomers to get into my office asap so they don’t burden their children with their long term care isues. )

Another thing I might do differently – and this is very personal – I would stop feeling badly that my brother didn’t spend more time with my parents in their end-days. My brother lives in New York. But he’s retired, and able to travel. However, as I mentioned in my last blog, our father could be a difficult man…and my brother isn’t spending much time with him. Sadly, my father’s now reaping what he sowed.

However, I would share more of the details about what’s going on with my brother; I didn’t really share with him about our mother. I should have, because he should have been aware of what I was going through. And, if I had it to do over again, whenever he started giving me advice about what I should or shouldn't do, I’d tell him that I’d welcome his advice – if he wanted to become more involved in their care.

In my career, I’ve seen too many out-of-town siblings telling the local (caregiving) siblings what they should be doing. It’s easy to give advice from a thousand miles away. But, since the out-of-town siblings don’t really see what’s happening on a day-to-day basis, I believe they should probably listen more than talk. And appreciate what the caregiver provides even if they are not living with the parents on day to day basis.

If I had it to do all over again, I’d magically move my parents closer than a 50-minute round-trip. With an active law practice and a demanding caregiver role, it would have made things much easier for me.

All of this, of course, is hindsight. And hindsight is always 20/20. None of us can predict the future. Who would have guessed, for example, that I couldn't sell my house now even if I wanted to?

 

NEXT BLOG: WHAT I DID RIGHT

Alice's Mom and Dad, Part 4: My Dad's on Hospice

As I mentioned in my last blog, my mother passed away on September 3rd.

Just a week later, believe it or not, my Dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. And he’s now on hospice.

Everyone in my family is amazed that he’s lived this long – until 91 – and that he’s survived my mother. My Dad is 75 pounds overweight. He has a pacemaker. The only exercise he’s really gotten has been his all-too-frequent trips to the refrigerator…where he would open the door and come out with a huge slab of ham or sausage or pork. He smoked when he was younger. And he was an ironworker – which meant he was constantly breathing soot and dust.

My Dad is not in pain, thankfully. And, for a man who lost his wife last month and is now on hospice himself, he’s in fairly good spirits.

I’m going through mixed emotions, trying to sort out my clashing feelings. My Dad can be a hard man. He was a loving man, but a difficult man…impatient, and a yeller. He was a wonderful uncle to his nieces and nephews. And though he could be gruff and loud around the house, my brother and I always knew there was never a doubt that he’d give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.

When he called me to yell at me a week or so ago, I listened for a few minutes…and then hung up on him. Ill or not, I believe he had no right to speak to me like that. I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m an adult, with a lot of responsibility…not only to my family, but also to my clients. Emotionally, physically, psychologically, and emotionally, after the past few months, I’m stretched about as far as a person can be. So, while I’m carrying an overwhelming burden of sadness about my Mom’s passing, and my Dad’s impending passing, I’m also doing what I encourage my clients to do – trying to take care of myself, and trying to look after myself as well as my Dad.

My father’s got a full-time aide. He has a Care Manager. He’s got a driver. When he was in rehab for four months, I was there all the time. I tell my clients in similar situations that we can only do as much as we can do. And we don’t have to apologize to anyone for it.

So once again, it seems, I’m on a sort of “death watch.” While I’m still getting over the death of my mother.

If I didn't know what it felt like, before, to be one of my clients, I sure do now.

Alice's Mom and Dad, Part 3: My Mom Is Gone

Some of you may recall the blogs I wrote on my Mom and Dad a couple of months ago. In the last one, my Mom was in Hospice, and my Dad was in rehab. My parents live locally in Davie.

Well, my mother, Rose Meister, passed away on September 3rd, at the age of 90. And, now, believe it or not, my Dad is on hospice. So I find myself, an elder law attorney - again - in the position of so many of my clients.

My mother's death was hardly a surprise. She had been failing for years, and she had spent four months on hospice. And I had actually been mourning her (impending death) for years, as well. I can remember vividly the time it first hit me.

My son Danny, now in law school, used to love Grandma's chicken cutlets. Once, about seven years ago, he asked her to make some for him. And her response sent chills up my spine.

"I can't," she said to Danny. "I just can't." For this woman, who loved to cook, it wan an admission that she just wasn't up to it anymore. I knew then that she was failing. And that's when I started to mourn her passing - seven years before she actually passed.

It was hard watching my son - who has already lost his father - dealing with the death of his grandmother. And it was tough watching my niece - who has already experienced several losses - going through this one, as well.

These days, I seem to drive past many things that remind me of her. And I seem to always think of questions I wanted to ask her, but can't. In fact, I can't ask those questions to anyone, because she was the last family member of her generation. She comes back to me at the strangest times, in life's little vignettes...for example, at the doctor's office, when I have to fill out a form asking for the names of my parents; or when I look at her Durable Power of Attorney and Living Will and know that I will and can't ever use them again.

To be honest, I'm also feeling, these days, a sense of relief. Relief that the long downward slide, the long-term care journey, for her, is over. Relief that she - who had deep fear of death - never really understood that she was dying. Relief that she died peacefully, in no pain, without being force-fed by medicine or that would only prolong her - and our - pain.

And relief that she simply died of old age - not disease - and with dignity, in the comforting setting of hospice.

Now, more than ever, I can really identify with my clients.

How Will I Know When My Dad Can No Longer Swallow His Medication?

People with Alzheimer's often develop trouble with swallowing as the disease progresses. Simply put, the brain no longer signals the throat to swallow. And what was once a natural instinct suddenly becomes an insurmountable obstacle.

The problem, of course, is that Alzheimer's also generally robs the individual of his ability to communicate that there's a problem. Which, of course, puts the onus on the caregiver. You've got to be aware - somehow - of when this is happening.

When it's time for your Dad to take his medication, you need to watch carefully. But just as important, you need to watch when he eats. Does he keep chewing and chewing, but never swallow? Does he keep the food (or medication) in his cheeks for a long time?

If so, you've got to take some action.

Talk with your Dad's doctor. Is it possible he's taking a medication that he can possibly do without? The doctor probably wouldn't have prescribed medicine if it wasn't necessary... but it's worth a try. If the doctor says he still needs it, can it be prescribed in liquid form? (And would your Dad even be willing to take it in liquid form, since liquid medicines are often bad-tasting?)

If the medicine comes only in pill-form, can the pills be crushed, and then put in pudding or yogurt or drinks? Or would they lose their effectiveness if crushed?

At some point, the doctor may advise that it's no longer worth the struggle to get your Dad to take his medicine.

Are you a caregiver who feels overwhelmed by the 24/7 obligation, and the 24/7 questions? We can help. At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we have one of the largest Alzheimer's/Dementia Resource Centers in South Florida.

Over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer's/Dementia Journey. And we've helped protect their rights - both legal and financial - with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We can walk your family through the Alzheimer's/Dementia Journey, too. We're just a phone call away.

I'm The Primary Caregiver. Help! I Need a Break!

Being a caregiver is a 24/7 job. And when you’re not actually doing the job, you’re probably thinking about it.

Some caregivers feel guilty about telling other family members they can’t do it alone. But they’re not being fair to themselves. They’re not taking care of their own physical health, or emotional health. No one – no one! – can do this job without an occasional break!

If you’re lucky enough to have family or friends willing to help, use them. But, even if you don’t, you can still get a break.

• PRIVATE DUTY HOME CARE - Ask your local Alzheimer’s Association or Area Agency on Aging. These agencies can provide people who can help with daily activities such as bathing, sitting, driving your loved one to her appointments, shopping, and meals.
• ADULT DAY SERVICES – You can bring your loved one to a center where he’ll be with others his age, in a supervised situation. But if your loved one has Alzheimer’s, be sure you find a center with experience caring for Alzheimer’s patients.
• OVERNIGHT CARE – Many assisted-living facilities and nursing homes offer short-term stays (generally based on availability).
• HIRE A CAREGIVER – Your church, Alzheimer’s Association, or Area Agency on Aging may be able to recommend an independent caregiver who’ll come to your home. Keep in mind, though, that “independent” means just that – so you must carefully check backgrounds, references, qualifications, etc. Have a long conversation – or two – with your prospective caregiver. Watch how she interacts with your loved one. And don’t be afraid to ask your loved one’s opinion – people with dementia are often surprisingly perceptive!

Don’t’ be afraid to ask us, either. At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia Resource Centers in South Florida.

In fact, over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey. And we’ve helped protect their rights – legal and financial – with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We can walk your family through the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey, too. We’re just a phone call away.

I'm The Only Family Member Doing Caregiving. How Do I Deal With That...And With Them?

If you think the Hatfields and McCoys went at it, you should see what happens in some families when a loved one is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or dementia. It can make that “other” feud seem like child’s play!

Additionally, it can give rise to tremendous resentment on the part of those who do the care-giving for those who don’t.

When this happens, there’s only one thing to do: Recognize that there’s absolutely nothing you can do. And – even harder – let it go!

You have enough to handle. Any additional family matters will only weigh you down even more. Sometimes, family members may be afraid to see their loved one in such a state…or they may be in denial. But that’s their problem. You can only do what’s necessary to take care of yourself.

Care-giving is the toughest job in the world. And it can get even the strongest person down. So your personal priority should be to seek help – from people who can give it to you, rather than those who can’t. Some people seek professional counseling. Others join support groups, where you’ll quickly learn that you’re hardly “the only person” who knows what you’re going through. And, if your family can’t be there for you, maybe a good friend can.

You may want to keep your family in the loop, about the condition, and how your loved one is doing. But don’t harbor false expectations. For the most part, nothing you do or say to your family is going to motivate them to help, if they’re not already motivated.

Even if they can’t help, though…we can!

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia Resource Centers in South Florida.

Over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s Journey, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA. And with another type of “protection,” as well – guidance for the caregiver.

We have the answers to your questions. And we’re just a phone call away.

How Can I Keep My Father Entertained During The Day?

If you’re a caregiver to someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia, you’re often expected to be master of ceremonies, ringmaster, and juggler all at the same time.

In fact, it’s a pretty common occurrence for the senior to follow the caregiver around all day…almost as if they’re expecting you to provide diversion. But you don’t have to be the only source of diversion.

Here are some ideas to keep him entertained…

• Play a fast-paced musical video.
• Encourage him to walk – either outside or around the house – as much as possible.
• He can pull some weeds outside, or bat around a balloon ball. Each would provide diversion, as well as physical activity. In addition, many companies that make products for seniors will have exercise videos with simple instructions.
• Encourage him to be helpful with any type of household activity he can handle. It’s important to keep him involved. For example, let him set the table while you prepare meals. It doesn't matter if he doesn't set it properly. It only matters that he helps!
• He may be able to clip coupons, shred documents, do minor clean-up jobs, get things from the kitchen or the laundry room for you, etc.
• Allow him to open the junk mail.
• Encourage him to help out with the care and feeding of the dog.
• You have friends? You have family? Let someone else help keep your Dad occupied for a while!
• Many Alzheimer’s patients enjoy being read to. (Your local library has book audiotapes.)

If you’re caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s or dementia, you probably have new questions every day. We can help answer them. For one thing, we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia Resource Centers in South Florida.

For another, at The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we've been answering South Florida families’ questions about Alzheimer’s or dementia for 33 years. We've worked with thousands of families, providing comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We can answer your questions, too. And we’re just a phone call away.

Leaving a "spiritual legacy"

October 18, 2012

By David A. Schwartz, Staff Writer (Sun-Sentinel)

11:07 a.m. EDT, October 18, 2012

 

Attorney Alice Reiter Feld thinks that leaving family members a "spiritual legacy" can be as important as leaving them money and possessions.

"Monetary gifts are not the only gifts we give to people," Feld said during a recent presentation at Temple Sinai in Delray Beach. A "spiritual legacy," she explained, involves life experience, values and what we want to leave behind.

"You may think your kids don't want that now but they will when you are gone," Feld said. "By talking about our spiritual journey we live forever."

Feld said she counsels clients in her Coral Springs-based elder law practice to leave their heirs "good thoughts, good deeds, no problems and good memories" and to give their families the estate planning tools to do that.

A living will, power of attorney and designation of a health care surrogate are part of an estate plan, she said. But a living will can express end-of-life wishes in language that goes beyond the language of the law. She advised to make it personal in language like, "You are performing a true act of devotion by taking me off life support."

Other things, like housing options — living at home or in a nursing home — and pre-need funeral arrangements can be part of a living will.

"These are things people don't do because that would mean recognizing their mortality and that is painful," Feld said.

Marcia London of Boca Raton said because of the estate plan that she and her husband developed with their attorney, when her husband died four-and-a-half years ago, "He left me with ease. I was able to transfer everything to my name."

London said she wants to give her son and grandchildren that same ease. "I want them to move gently into the next phase, just as I moved into the next phase of my life," she said.

Thelma Rosenblum, 87, of Delray Beach, said she and her husband Lester, 92, have been updating their will since the 1970s but she didn't realize that there were changes in the law regarding the power of attorney. "I'm so glad I sat in on this [presentation] because it is something that has to be done," she said. "I want everything to be done smoothly."

Copyright © 2012, South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Originally posted in: Alice Reiter Feld In The News

 

Can People With Alzheimer's Sometimes Seem Like Their Old Selves?

Simply put, yes! And, for the caregiver, it can be puzzling as heck!

One day, your loved one seems to be slipping away faster than ever. And the next, he's as lucid and as funny and as even-tempered as he was in the old days.

Just like you and I, people with Alzheimer's or dementia have good and bad days. On their good days, they'll be outgoing, lucid, and fully able to express their needs and their wants. They recognize people, and remember things they might have known the day before. When this happens, the caregiver may fall victim to a false sense of hope.

Unfortunately, though, the illusion doesn't last very long. Within days - or the next day - you're loved one is "out of it," snappy, angry, and withdrawn into her own little world. And the hope you had nurtured just a day or two before is smashed against the wall of reality.

When your loved one goes through changes like this, you'll probably find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster.

That's why it's important to savor the good days! They'll eventually become fewer and far between...which is why you should squeeze every second of joy possible from them.

Caregivers must endure a grieving process. When they see temporary moments of hope, they tend to fantasize that those temporary moments might become permanent. But fantasies, of course, don't last. However, the memories you can make in those rare times when your loved one is her old self can last forever. And they can help pull you through the bad days.

When you're a caregiver to someone with Alzheimer's or Dementia, your mind is bombarded - constantly - with questions. But we can help.

We've been  practicing Elder Law here in South Florida for 33 years. And we've got one of the largest Alzheimer's/Dementia resource centers in South Florida.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we've walked thousands of families through the Elder Law Journey, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care assistance, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We can walk you through the Elder Care Journey. And we're just a phone call away.

How Do I Communicate With a Loved One Who Has Alzheimers?

When you're caring for, or living with, an Alzheimer's patient, communication becomes a much different proposition. And how you do it can make or break the relationship.

Good communication can dramatically lower the incidence of behavior or temper flare-ups. And the opposite is true of ineffective communication. It's important to remember that your loved one is an individual... that the disease doesn't define him. He'll still have many of the same personality traits he had before. And he should be treated with the same respect.

Everyone needs to know their feelings are respected. This is especially of Alzheimer's patients, who may be insecure about memory loss. Keep in mind that their feelings may not be entirely accurate; for example, another relative may not really be doing anything to make him angry. But he is feeling angry, nonetheless. It's the nature of the illness. And oftentimes it's the illness talking, not your father.

Acknowledge his anger (or frustration, etc.), by saying you understand he's angry. And then move on.

You may be surprised to find that your Dad responds well to affirmation of his feelings. And that a "good job!" or "well done, Dad!" can go a long way!

Some tips:

• Speak slowly. And use simple sentences.
• Yes/no questions are best.
• Ask one question at a time.
• Maintain eye contact when speaking.
• Lower your voice. A loud or tense voice may be perceived as anger.
• Use the power of touch... a hand on a shoulder, etc.
• Smile!
• Use the power of hugs... liberally.
• Never argue.
• Be aware of his body language, which might indicate pain or discomfort. And be aware of yours, which might indicate tension!

Lastly, ask questions. Not of your Dad, but of an expert. At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we have one of the largest Alzheimer's Resource Centers in South Florida.

We've been walking South Florida families through the Alzheimer's Journey for 33 years. And we've helped thousands of them, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We know every step of the Alzheimer's Journey. And we're just a phone call away.

How Do I Find - And Hire - An In-Home Caregiver?

There won't be many occasions in your life when you're faced with a more difficult decision. But help is available.

If you're looking for non-medical assistance, your Area Agency on Aging; Department on Aging, Social and Rehabilitation Services; or Alzheimer's Association can be excellent resources. These agencies can provide you with non-medical personnel such as sitters, homemakers, or aides.

Skilled care, however, is a different ballgame. Your loved one's doctor should be involved in setting up these services, particularly if physical or occupational therapy or nursing is required.

Or, you can play it down the middle. Certified Nurse Aides can assist with dressing, bathing, meals, and medications, and many have worked with Alzheimer's patients. Make sure they're certified in CPR... and ask to see the certification.

You can also hire an individual on your own. Your Alzheimer's Association keeps a list of independent caregivers. They won't recommend specific people. But they can, however, provide you with feedback they've received.

You may also be able to get recommendations on individuals or agencies from local support groups.

If you're the "hiring manager," act like one. Use application forms (which can be purchased at any office supply store). Verify ID's. Do background checks. Get resumes. Get references. Make sure you keep copies of the documents of anyone you hire. And treat the relationship like an employer-employee relationship - because that's exactly what it is!

Interview a number of applicants... and be sure to include your loved one in the process. You should be able to tell if she's feeling uncomfortable, or if the interaction is not really clicking.

In some states, hiring an in-home caregiver can disqualify you from Medicaid. So, if you're not sure about what you're doing, consult an Elder Law attorney.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we're Elder Law attorneys. And, every day, we work with families looking for quality care for their loved ones.

Over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Elder Law Journey, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

You have questions. We have answers. And we're just a phone call away.

The Blessings of Being a Caregiver

Sounds crazy, doesn't it? Blessings... of being a caregiver?

Yet, believe it or not, there are certain blessings to this 24/7, emotionally-wrenching job. You just have to be open to them. And to recognize them when they occur.

But, first, you have to grieve. Because you can't accept what is until you've allowed yourself to grieve for your loved one. You can't come to the stage of acceptance until you pass the stage of grief.

When you come to the stage of acceptance, you'll allow yourself to open up to some of the small joys you couldn't see before.

The process of grieving, really, consists of a chain of emotions, each one flowing into the next...

Shock at the initial diagnosis, and disbelief.

Emotional Reaction - You'll yell, scream, lose your temper.

Anxiety crops up almost immediately, as you start to worry about the future.

Anger, at your loved one for getting sick. At the doctor. Even at God.

Guilt for feeling these emotions.

The beginning of healing often starts with reflecting upon better days.

Acceptance finally come when you're able to let go of the previous emotions.

Keep in mind, though, that acceptance doesn't mean the total end of grief; you'll still feel it at times. And that's OK. Eventually, you'll come back to acceptance.

Then, you can begin to enjoy being with your loved one again. When you can deal with the reality that you time together may be growing short, you treasure every minute of your time together, and you realize how precious it is.

When you're a caregiver to a loved one with Alzheimer's or Dementia, your life can seem like one series of questions after another. But we can help.

At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we're Elder Law attorneys. We have one of the largest Alzheimer's/Dementia resource centers in South Florida. And, over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Elder Care Journey, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We can walk your family through the Elder Care Journey, too. And we're just a phone call away.

My Mom Cooperates for her Nurse... But Not for Me. What's the Secret?

The nurse’s “secret” is really not much of a secret, at all – your Mom’s not related to her! Many Alzheimer’s/Dementia patients are more cooperative with non-family members.

Why? Apparently, our loved ones often feel they can be themselves – warts and all – in front of family. But, in front of outsiders, they often tend to be on their best behavior. (Not really so different from everybody else, when you think about it.)

I always tell my clients not to take it personally. Your mother isn’t doing it to hurt you – she has dementia. With many forms of dementia, the inhibitions that once held us back are thrown to the winds. And so, quite often, are courtesy and manners and respect for your own family.

The biggest task of any caregiver? Letting things go. If she needs to have her way – whether it’s eating, bathing, etc. – as long as it’s not harmful to her, let her have it! If she wants ice cream for her “healthy” snack, don’t argue.

When a potential confrontation looms, take a step back. Ask yourself if this confrontation is really necessary. You’re only going to win just so many battles…so choose them wisely.

Don’t keep score. You can always try again later…and you may be surprised at the result.

When you’re a caregiver to someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia, it often seems as if the slightest little request or activity can turn into a major deal.

We can help. At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we specialize in guiding families through the Dementia Journey. And we’ve got one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia resource centers in South Florida.

Over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for it, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We know every step of the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey – and we can walk you through it. And we’re only a phone call away.  

My Dad is Verbally Abusive To My Mom. What Can I Do?

Unfortunately, with Alzheimer’s, verbal abuse sometimes comes with the territory.

When the caregiver is subjected to verbal abuse, it can sometimes become intolerable. And that’s when your Mom has to learn to calm herself down by repeating: “It isn’t personal.” Easier said than done. But, for her own sanity, she has to try.

You both may have to mourn the change in his personality…and, eventually, come to some sort of acceptance.

As with many other areas of the Alzheimer’s Journey, though, there are things you can do. (Yelling at him is not one of them! That will most likely only make him more agitated.)

Give your mother a break. Hire someone to come in and care for your Dad (he may act differently with someone who’s not a family member). Take him to an adult day care center. Or ask other family members to pitch in. You may also want to speak with his doctor. Often, Alzheimer’s patients are abusive because they’re suffering from depression…or pain.

Humor never hurts, either. You can’t control his actions. But you can control your response.

Validate his feelings. Ask him to do things in a non-threatening manner. (If he resists, back off and give him time to calm down.) Also, don’t talk down to him. Even Alzheimer’s patients realize when they’re being patronized. And that can make them even more agitated – and abusive.

Lastly, discuss the possibility of a support group for your Mom. Meeting others in the same situation will help her learn new coping methods. And dealing with her own feelings may help her to deal with his.

The Alzheimer’s Journey is long and hard. But we can help. At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we practice Elder Law. And we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia resource centers in South Florida.

Over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for the possibility, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term-care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We know the way. And we’re just a phone call away.   

Is Routine Important To a Person With Alzheimer's?

For a senior with Alzheimer’s, life can be confusing and scary enough. And anything new is often perceived as a threat. So…yes, routine is very important!

People with Alzheimer’s are slowly slipping away…from themselves as well as from us. To them, routine is familiar and reassuring.

If you’re a caregiver, developing a routine will help you manage.

In addition to routine, there’s another “R” that’s important – “Ritual.” If your loved one is accustomed to checking the doors before he goes to bed, let him…even if you’ve already done so. If he likes a glass of milk, it’s OK. If he says he can’t sleep, encourage him to get up and do the rituals again. It will be comforting to him. And easier for you.

There are lots of daily activities you can make into a routine, such as eating at certain times, taking medicine, checking the mail, bathing, running errands, taking a walk, walking the dog, Doing laundry. Reading the paper. Or watching her favorite TV show. Even little things – like drinking water every hour – can be made into a routine (and, in this case, it’s healthy!). And don’t forget to make relaxation time a part of the routine – for both of you.

However, there’s a third “R” you should definitely avoid – “Rigidity.” For example, if your loved one isn’t enjoying one activity, move on to another – even if it isn’t “time” for that activity. Learn to go with the flow.

If you’re caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s, we know there are always questions running through your mind. We can help answer them.

At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s Resource Centers in South Florida. Over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for it, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We can walk you through the Alzheimer’s Journey. And we’re just a phone call away.  

Can Pets Have a Calming Effect On An Alzheimer's Patient?

If nursing homes are any indication, the answer is yes. Many of these facilities have brought pets into their programs. Dogs that have been trained as therapy dogs can be very effective. And they’re usually taught to sit quietly next to someone, so the senior can pet them easily.

Every Alzheimer’s patient, however, is different, and what works for one may not work for another. Some people with Alzheimer’s, for example, can be scared by pets…even small ones. But if your loved one had pets in his life, it might be worth a try.

Some caregivers buy pets for the sole purpose of giving their loved ones an outlet they can enjoy. They can feed and water the pet, brush or bathe it, and, if able, take the pet for walks. This kind of activity is actually doubly-therapeutic…because it gives your loved one a sense of responsibility, and of feeling needed. And all of us want to feel needed.

If you already have a pet, and bring your loved one to live with you, your pet will quickly realize things are different. And they often become very protective of the Alzheimer’s patient, and stay close to him.

It doesn’t have to be a dog, however.

Fish can be almost mesmerizing, and really fun for your loved one to watch. Cats can be fun to play with or to cuddle with. Even indoor birds might give your loved one something enjoyable on which to focus. People with Alzheimer’s often enjoy sitting outside and watching the birds. And asking them to fill the bird-feeders is also an activity they’ll find satisfying.

If you’re a caregiver to someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s, you have questions like this every day. And we can help answer them.

At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we’ve been answering questions like this for 33 years. We’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Dementia Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for it, as well…with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We’ll walk you through the Dementia Journey. We’re just a phone call away.

Can Keeping a Journal Help Me Deal With My Feelings About My Dad's Dementia?

The answer to this question is simple: Yes!!

I’ve had people tell me, “At this time in my life, I just can’t afford the time to journal.” And my answer is often, “At this time in your life, you can’t afford not to journal!”

Keeping a journal can be therapeutic for a caregiver. It’s intensely personal. It’s not meant for anyone else to see. But – time and time again – I hear from those who’ve tried it that it helps them express their feelings, and serves as a relief valve for some of the built-up stress.

Journaling isn’t a drain on your time. Quite the contrary. While you’re doing it, it often slows down time, allowing you to put things into perspective. It doesn’t have to be done every day. But it should be done at least several times a week. And it doesn’t have to be done for an hour a day. Even 15-20 minutes will be helpful.

It enables you to deal with the guilt, anger, fear, frustration, resentment, and any other emotion. There are no bad emotions during this time. But there are emotions that can hurt you if you don’t deal with them.

There are no rules. Some people write to themselves. Others write to the disease…for example, saying how much it’s destroyed their plans and dreams, etc. Journaling helps to straighten out jumbled thoughts, and make things clearer.

Journaling should be only one part of your “program,” however. Talk to your friends and family. And consider joining a support group. This will help address your feelings of isolation - because, in that room, everyone knows what you’re going through.

This may be the hardest period of your life. But we can help.

At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we’re Elder Law attorneys. Over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Dementia Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for the possibility of it, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We can show you the way. And we’re just a phone call away.

My Husband Has Alzheimer's. What Activities Can We Do Together At Home?

It can be a challenge to enjoy activities together with an Alzheimer’s patient. But it’s a challenge that can be overcome…if you use your imagination.

Here are some things you can enjoy together…

• WORD GAMES – A quick ramble through your neighborhood bookstore will reveal loads of books with word games. And you can also create your own - such as taking a word and seeing how many other words you can make from it.
• VIDEOS – We’re not talking about movies here, but videos specifically designed for Alzheimer’s patients. Innovative Caregiving Resources has a set called Video Respite (www.videorespite.com). And these videos do just that – give you a respite.
• WRITE HIS LIFE STORY – This can be a shared activity that may stimulate some happy memories. Organize the information, and put it into a book your husband can carry around.
• MUSIC SOOTHES THE SOUL – Music seems to help memory. You can dance to it. Or just relax to it.
• RELA-A-A-A-A-A-X – Create a daily relaxation routine. At the same time each day, play calming music, burn candles or incense, or plug in a diffuser. (Use scents your husband likes!!) Gently massage some lotion into his hands and arms.
• EXERCISE – Get outside for some fresh air. Or stay inside and use an exercise video. Play old favorites like horseshoes, or putt on a portable green.
• GAMES – Play cards, board games, or checkers. And don’t keep score!
• READ TOGETHER – It doesn’t matter what you read, as long as it’s light and enjoyable.

We can help – because we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia Resource Centers in South Florida.

At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we practice Elder Law – and only Elder Law. Over the past 33 years, we’ve helped thousands of families on the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for the possibility, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We know the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey. And we’re only a phone call away.