Rose was not angry, impatient, or irate. She was grateful. Her family came to visit from a distance more than once. Each time she would rally for a period of time to see them, kiss them, smile, tell them all “to sit down” and tell them how good they looked and how happy she was to see them. She never spoke about what was happening to her. She knew. So why talk about it?
She wanted to know how we were. How was Danny doing in Law School? How was Jennifer’s career going? How was Riley, her great-grandson? Her focus was always outward. Her spirit was filled with faith, and complete acceptance of the fact that she was in God’s hands. And for Rose, that was a good place to be.
Those closest to Rose, her husband and children, had their own intimate view and perception of her as a wife, mother, woman, grandmother, and aunt. What they could not fathom was how deeply her spirit and soul had touched the lives of so many people.
At her funeral, we heard from some of these people. And as we listened, we realized that this woman whom we had all seen as a simple, kind person, had in fact had a dramatic impact on the lives of others.
Rose had a quiet spirit with a big wallop. She left indelible imprints etched in the lives, souls, and spirits of others.
How deep were these imprints? Well, listen to some of the words said by various family members at the funeral…
- “She had a pure soul and a generous spirit. The way she made me feel as a child, the way she showered all of us with love, the way she was everybody’s aunt, no matter how large the family became, her pleasant demeanor and her reassuring smile are gifts she left, for all of us to hold onto. I hope that each of us, in our way, can try to live up to her legacy.”
- “My fondest teenage memories involve my loneliness in Florida and how she insisted I stay with them on Bachelder Street. It was a small apartment…but it felt like a mansion because of her love and warmth.”
- “I have learned a lot from my Aunt Rose, who had a great sense of humor and such a truly kind and sensitive love of life.”
- “She had the most musical laugh.”
When we stop and consider the spiritual nature of this journey for those making it, we’d do well to watch their acceptance of themselves during those declining days, and to look to the people who knew them the longest and loved them the most. We look to them because that’s where we find the consistency of who the person was - and will always be - for us.
As a Rabbi who is blessed with the opportunity to meet families with their own Roses, I leave you with the following notion to consider:
Funerals, really, are for the survivors. The person we are mourning has left us physically. But they’ll be “dead” only if there’s no one to remember them. Rose Meister will remain alive for generations to come…because her “spirit” and “spirituality” will live within each of us for the balance of our days.
Rabbi Mitch Feld, MSW, is the spiritual leader of Congregation Yom Chadash. Rabbi Mitch is available for speaking engagements, spiritual counseling and memorable life cycle events. You may find him at www.rabbimitch.com, mitch@rabbimitch.com or 954-755-3764. You will be glad you did.
Mom's Ongoing Spiritual Journey - Part 2
We are all born with a soul, and with a spirit. And I have learned, over time that we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but, rather, spiritual beings having a human experience.
Rose Meister, my Mother-in-Law, had the ultimate spiritual and human experience, when she transitioned from this world to the next world that she now comprehends and we still cannot. To many of us, even the idea of another world is unfathomable. To others, it’s exactly the place to which they want to go when the time comes.
What is it that makes Rose’s - or anyone’s - journey so spiritual? That’s a good question - and there are no easy answers. My experience as a Rabbi is that people with strong and abiding faith - in whatever it is they believe - do not fear this transition.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’ve yet to meet someone in good health that prays to leave and make this journey immediately. I am referring to those of advanced age who have an inkling that they are changing; becoming less alert, less mobile, sleeping more, losing interest, less focused, questioning their purpose, more forgetful, or losing their appetite. These are people who are not sick, and are generally in stable health. They fall into the category of older people who are now classified by a relatively new term: “Failure to thrive.”
This was Rose. There was no dramatic shift in her capacity, but rather, a slow erosion of the person we had known and loved for so long. She was now 90, and her caring and kindness toward others was intact. Her memory, attention span, mobility, interest, and focus, however, were all declining.
By now, you’re probably asking yourself – again – “What’s so spiritual about this?”
In Rose’s case, her spirituality was reflected in her attitude of acceptance of where she was and how she was…and her lack of needing to know answers to all the questions her husband, children and family had. Rose was okay without knowing. There was a part of her, of course, that knew without knowing, without being told, and without telling us that she knew. Rose lived in her faith and spirit. She didn’t need to ask questions to which she already knew the answers.
Next Time: Part 2
Rabbi Mitch Feld, MSW, is the spiritual leader of Congregation Yom Chadash. Rabbi Mitch is available for speaking engagements, spiritual counseling and memorable life cycle events. You may find him at www.rabbimitch.com, mitch@rabbimitch.com or 954-755-3764. You will be glad you did.
Well, the first thing I tell clients in this situation is to remember why he’s there in the first place – he may have memory problems.
Then, I advise them to speak with the director of his unit, and find out why this keeps happening. Then you have to determine whether the item is worth replacing. Obviously, glasses and dentures need to be replaced. But other items may not need to be.
Wallets, for example, may be more of a comfort/reassurance item to him than anything else. And, if that’s the case, you don’t have to replace each one with a fancy wallet; an inexpensive one may do. In fact, it may pay to keep a few on hand.
Replacing lost or broken items can be expensive. But there are still ways you can save. For example, you can compromise on the frame of his glasses. Or, if he just uses them for reading, perhaps an inexpensive pair of reading glasses – available at any drug store – would suffice.
Even with dentures – which are obviously a necessity – it may be possible to save some money. If they’re broken, consider fixing them rather than replacing them. And if they’re lost, chances are, they’ll be lost again. It’s conceivable that they just don’t fit right…and your loved one may be removing them. If that’s the case, a dentist may suggest alternative measures…including re-fitting the dentures to; make them more comfortable.
If your loved one’s in a nursing home, you probably have a million questions – every day. But we can help.
At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we practice Elder Law – and only elder Law. Over the past 33 years, we’ve answered these questions for thousands of South Florida families. And we’ve helped them prepare…with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney,long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.
If you’ve got questions, we’ve got answers. And we’re just a phone call away.
My Dad's In a Nursing Home...And Constantly Losing His Glasses, Wallet, And Dentures. What Can We Do?
Negative reactions to medicines are common among my clients’ loved ones. And I always tell them to start by documenting what they’re seeing. How do these negative effects manifest themselves? How often? Under what conditions?
Then make an appointment with the Director of Nursing at the home to talk it over. If you’re not satisfied with your conversation, ask to see the Administrator. And you should also attend the next care planning meeting for your mother. (Also, I advise my clients to call the doctor who prescribed the medicine, to make sure your mother’s not simply experiencing the common side-effects of starting a new medication.)
If you’re still feeling frustrated, you can contact the long-term care ombudsman in your state. These are trained volunteers who advocate for nursing home residents and their families. They can hopefully work out a solution with the nursing home.
As a last resort – and if you are your mother’s power of attorney for health care – you can ask the doctor to change the medication. (Keep in mind, though, that he/she may respond that it’s best not to change it.)
If you’re still not satisfied, you may consider moving her to another home. However, this is a step that should not be taken lightly! Moving can be very hard on people with Alzheimer’s or dementia.
If you have a loved one in a nursing home, questions will pop into your mind a hundred times a day. It can seem overwhelming. But we can help.
At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we’re Elder Law attorneys. And we’ve been answering these questions for South Florida families for 33 years. We've helped thousands of them…with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.
We have the answers to your questions. And we’re just a phone call away.
My Mother's Medication is Having Negative Effects. How Can I Get The Nursing Home to Adjust It?
Occasionally I get a frantic call from a client in this situation.
The first thing I tell them is that aggression is usually caused by agitation. And if you can control the agitation, you can control the aggression.
I believe it’s helpful to meet with the Director of Nursing and her team to discuss the situation. If you’re not satisfied with the results, you can contact the long-term care ombudsman program in your state. These are trained volunteers who advocate for nursing home residents, and help in working out solutions.
If you’re confident that staff have done all they can, your loved one should be assessed. Go to the Alzheimer’s Association (www.alzs.org) to find a nearby program. What is an assessment? It’s a 24/7 observation…which could possibly result in changes to your loved one’s medication. (It’s possible that the medication could be causing the aggression.)
If a patient’s aggressiveness is not caused by medication, it may be caused by a lack of chemistry between patient and staff.
During the assessment, you can meet with social workers at the facility to see where else your loved one might be placed. It’s possible that a simple change in environment may be beneficial…although it may result in confusion initially.
If my clients are looking for a new home for their loved one, I encourage them to consider one with an Alzheimer’s unit, which is specially built and staffed with this population in mind. Staff at such a facility will be trained to deal with aggressive or agitated patients.
If your loved one has dementia or Alzheimer’s, you’ll have a hundred new questions every day. We can help.
At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we’re Elder Law attorneys…and we’ve spent the past 33 years answering these questions. We’ve helped thousands of South Florida families, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care plans, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.
If you’ve got questions, we’ve got answers. And we’re just a phone call away.
The Nursing Home May Evict My Father, Because of Aggression. What Do I Do?
First of all, it’s important to define exactly what we mean by “group homes.” Some states call them “boarding care homes,” instead. Some states require licenses. So, to start your search, call your state’s licensing department and ask if licensure is required; and, if so, get a list of the homes in your area.
If it were one of my parents, I’d consider only those homes experienced with dementia patients. These facilities will have very specific safety measures, and staffs with special training in working with this population.
Also, when making this decision, consider whether your loved one can stay in the home the rest of her life. For example, if she runs out of money, will the home accept Medicaid? (And will she be eligible for it?) What if she eventually needs a wheelchair, or becomes bedridden, or incontinent. Will she be able to remain there?
In my opinion, smaller homes (with just four or five residents) are best for dementia patients. They’re more “homey.” There’s more contact between the staff and residents. And staff are generally more versatile, as they often have to do a wider variety of jobs.
I believe that residents of smaller homes are often happier. The smaller homes often make it a point to involve residents in daily activities such as cooking and cleaning, folding laundry, helping with the trash, watering plants, and setting the table. Activities such as these allow your loved one to feel a sense of responsibility, and self-worth. And they allow her, as well, to develop a sense of community with the other residents.
When you’re dealing with Alzheimer’s, it’s inevitable that more and more questions will come up in your mind. But we can help. At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s Resource Centers in South Florida.
We’re Elder Law attorneys. And over the past 33 years, we've walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s Journey…with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.
We know every step of the Alzheimer’s Journey. And we’re just a phone call away.
Are Group Homes With Four or Five People Appropriate for Alzheimer's Patients?
