My Mom Cooperates for her Nurse... But Not for Me. What's the Secret?

The nurse’s “secret” is really not much of a secret, at all – your Mom’s not related to her! Many Alzheimer’s/Dementia patients are more cooperative with non-family members.

Why? Apparently, our loved ones often feel they can be themselves – warts and all – in front of family. But, in front of outsiders, they often tend to be on their best behavior. (Not really so different from everybody else, when you think about it.)

I always tell my clients not to take it personally. Your mother isn’t doing it to hurt you – she has dementia. With many forms of dementia, the inhibitions that once held us back are thrown to the winds. And so, quite often, are courtesy and manners and respect for your own family.

The biggest task of any caregiver? Letting things go. If she needs to have her way – whether it’s eating, bathing, etc. – as long as it’s not harmful to her, let her have it! If she wants ice cream for her “healthy” snack, don’t argue.

When a potential confrontation looms, take a step back. Ask yourself if this confrontation is really necessary. You’re only going to win just so many battles…so choose them wisely.

Don’t keep score. You can always try again later…and you may be surprised at the result.

When you’re a caregiver to someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia, it often seems as if the slightest little request or activity can turn into a major deal.

We can help. At The Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we specialize in guiding families through the Dementia Journey. And we’ve got one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia resource centers in South Florida.

Over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for it, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We know every step of the Alzheimer’s/Dementia Journey – and we can walk you through it. And we’re only a phone call away.  

My Dad is Verbally Abusive To My Mom. What Can I Do?

Unfortunately, with Alzheimer’s, verbal abuse sometimes comes with the territory.

When the caregiver is subjected to verbal abuse, it can sometimes become intolerable. And that’s when your Mom has to learn to calm herself down by repeating: “It isn’t personal.” Easier said than done. But, for her own sanity, she has to try.

You both may have to mourn the change in his personality…and, eventually, come to some sort of acceptance.

As with many other areas of the Alzheimer’s Journey, though, there are things you can do. (Yelling at him is not one of them! That will most likely only make him more agitated.)

Give your mother a break. Hire someone to come in and care for your Dad (he may act differently with someone who’s not a family member). Take him to an adult day care center. Or ask other family members to pitch in. You may also want to speak with his doctor. Often, Alzheimer’s patients are abusive because they’re suffering from depression…or pain.

Humor never hurts, either. You can’t control his actions. But you can control your response.

Validate his feelings. Ask him to do things in a non-threatening manner. (If he resists, back off and give him time to calm down.) Also, don’t talk down to him. Even Alzheimer’s patients realize when they’re being patronized. And that can make them even more agitated – and abusive.

Lastly, discuss the possibility of a support group for your Mom. Meeting others in the same situation will help her learn new coping methods. And dealing with her own feelings may help her to deal with his.

The Alzheimer’s Journey is long and hard. But we can help. At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we practice Elder Law. And we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s/Dementia resource centers in South Florida.

Over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for the possibility, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term-care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid or the VA.

We know the way. And we’re just a phone call away.   

Is Routine Important To a Person With Alzheimer's?

For a senior with Alzheimer’s, life can be confusing and scary enough. And anything new is often perceived as a threat. So…yes, routine is very important!

People with Alzheimer’s are slowly slipping away…from themselves as well as from us. To them, routine is familiar and reassuring.

If you’re a caregiver, developing a routine will help you manage.

In addition to routine, there’s another “R” that’s important – “Ritual.” If your loved one is accustomed to checking the doors before he goes to bed, let him…even if you’ve already done so. If he likes a glass of milk, it’s OK. If he says he can’t sleep, encourage him to get up and do the rituals again. It will be comforting to him. And easier for you.

There are lots of daily activities you can make into a routine, such as eating at certain times, taking medicine, checking the mail, bathing, running errands, taking a walk, walking the dog, Doing laundry. Reading the paper. Or watching her favorite TV show. Even little things – like drinking water every hour – can be made into a routine (and, in this case, it’s healthy!). And don’t forget to make relaxation time a part of the routine – for both of you.

However, there’s a third “R” you should definitely avoid – “Rigidity.” For example, if your loved one isn’t enjoying one activity, move on to another – even if it isn’t “time” for that activity. Learn to go with the flow.

If you’re caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s, we know there are always questions running through your mind. We can help answer them.

At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we have one of the largest Alzheimer’s Resource Centers in South Florida. Over the past 33 years, we’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Alzheimer’s Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for it, as well, with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We can walk you through the Alzheimer’s Journey. And we’re just a phone call away.  

Can Pets Have a Calming Effect On An Alzheimer's Patient?

If nursing homes are any indication, the answer is yes. Many of these facilities have brought pets into their programs. Dogs that have been trained as therapy dogs can be very effective. And they’re usually taught to sit quietly next to someone, so the senior can pet them easily.

Every Alzheimer’s patient, however, is different, and what works for one may not work for another. Some people with Alzheimer’s, for example, can be scared by pets…even small ones. But if your loved one had pets in his life, it might be worth a try.

Some caregivers buy pets for the sole purpose of giving their loved ones an outlet they can enjoy. They can feed and water the pet, brush or bathe it, and, if able, take the pet for walks. This kind of activity is actually doubly-therapeutic…because it gives your loved one a sense of responsibility, and of feeling needed. And all of us want to feel needed.

If you already have a pet, and bring your loved one to live with you, your pet will quickly realize things are different. And they often become very protective of the Alzheimer’s patient, and stay close to him.

It doesn’t have to be a dog, however.

Fish can be almost mesmerizing, and really fun for your loved one to watch. Cats can be fun to play with or to cuddle with. Even indoor birds might give your loved one something enjoyable on which to focus. People with Alzheimer’s often enjoy sitting outside and watching the birds. And asking them to fill the bird-feeders is also an activity they’ll find satisfying.

If you’re a caregiver to someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s, you have questions like this every day. And we can help answer them.

At the Law Offices of Alice Reiter Feld & Associates, we’ve been answering questions like this for 33 years. We’ve walked thousands of South Florida families through the Dementia Journey. And we’ve helped them prepare for it, as well…with comprehensive estate planning, wills, trusts, powers of attorney, long-term care planning, asset-protection plans, and assistance with Medicaid and the VA.

We’ll walk you through the Dementia Journey. We’re just a phone call away.